So, I logged back after a thousand years.
I still don't really know if I'll stay for long, or stay at all. I'd like to, but... I don't know. dA isn't such a huge part of myself as it used to, and I don't even draw all that much anymore.
I apologize for leaving suddenly, again, I guess my oldest dA friends are sadly used to that by now.
I don't really know how to explain exactely what goes on through my mind in these moments, but it's basically that; I sometimes get overwhelmed. Friendships (and family), as precious as they are, sometimes become burdens and I want to bury myself deep inside the Earth so people could forget I exist, to get some peace. So in these moments I just fly away, disconnect from everything, and cut myself from any and all interactions for a more or less long period of time.
Then, once the feeling goes away, only shame remains. I realise I haven't talked to my internet friends in 2 months. I don't know how to come back without feeling stupid and shameful and ridiculous and detestable. So I can't bring myself to come back, out of mindless fear. And two months morph into six, eight, twelve months... And it happens too often not to be bothered by it.
I feel the need to say it again: my friendships are precious to me. They heal me, help me through everything. It has nothing to do with you but rather with me. The extent of your goodness won't stop me from running away from you sometimes.
This isn't as much of an apology as it is of an explaination; an apology won't suffice for excusing letting my friends endure this behaviour.
But still... I'm sorry, again
Particularly to those who used to be my closest internet friends, they will recognize themselves.
I don't really know what the future of this account will be, for now. I'm just leaving this journal out there since I managed to log in here again.
I love you all, I truely do!